I honestly thought the moment I hit publish last night, I would receive an outpouring of hate emails or pointed fingers. I was ready for them. I created the perfect platform for them. But something happened last night that I never saw coming in my wildest dreams.
I didn’t get a single negative comment on that post. In fact, I got more supportive words and emails from so many others that could relate and understand exactly what I was saying. I was moved. I am moved!
So that makes writing this second part so much easier.
Part 2:(read part 1 here first if you haven’t already)
When I left off, I revealed that I was beginning to realize that my workout habits were rooted much deeper than just for the love of exercise. I did struggle with major control issues with food for many years. Much of this came from trying to control my constant illness but as with any obsession, it just got worse and worse. Since then, I’ve managed to let go of my tainted relationship with food. I eat what I want, when I want and I don’t think or feel guilt about it. (for the most part) But what I failed to tell you or myself was that a huge reason for my freedom with food came from feeling the need to compensate that by overexercising.
So if I am still prisoner to the miles I run or calories I burn in doing so, than how is this any different? It’s not!
There are many other reasons why I use exercise as my release. Stress is one. Whenever I am stressed or anxious, I find the only thing that brings me clarity is running. I am in control when I run. Wait a second, this sounds all too familiar!! When I was going through an ED, I felt the need to control what I ate. So here I am in that same pattern, just using a different form of unhealthy escape.
I also started to recognize the warning signs that my habits were not healthy ones.
- Having a set number of miles I HAD to run each week and feeling so guilty if I didn’t hit that = having a set number of calories to eat each day and feeling so guilty if I didn’t stick to them.
- Not wanting to race or be around anyone else when I run = isolating myself from situations when I knew I couldn’t be in control of my food.
- Running just to run with no set purpose or goal = having the feeling of no purpose in the way I was treating my body but could not break it.
- 1/3 C Steel Cut Oats
- 1/2 Banana
- 1/2 C Almond Milk
- 1 tsp Chia
- 2 T pumpkin
- 2 T cottage cheese
- A ton of cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice