I honestly thought the moment I hit publish last night, I would receive an outpouring of hate emails or pointed fingers. I was ready for them. I created the perfect platform for them. But something happened last night that I never saw coming in my wildest dreams.
I didn’t get a single negative comment on that post. In fact, I got more supportive words and emails from so many others that could relate and understand exactly what I was saying. I was moved. I am moved!
So that makes writing this second part so much easier.
Part 2:(read part 1 here first if you haven’t already)
When I left off, I revealed that I was beginning to realize that my workout habits were rooted much deeper than just for the love of exercise. I did struggle with major control issues with food for many years. Much of this came from trying to control my constant illness but as with any obsession, it just got worse and worse. Since then, I’ve managed to let go of my tainted relationship with food. I eat what I want, when I want and I don’t think or feel guilt about it. (for the most part) But what I failed to tell you or myself was that a huge reason for my freedom with food came from feeling the need to compensate that by overexercising.
So if I am still prisoner to the miles I run or calories I burn in doing so, than how is this any different? It’s not!
There are many other reasons why I use exercise as my release. Stress is one. Whenever I am stressed or anxious, I find the only thing that brings me clarity is running. I am in control when I run. Wait a second, this sounds all too familiar!! When I was going through an ED, I felt the need to control what I ate. So here I am in that same pattern, just using a different form of unhealthy escape.
I also started to recognize the warning signs that my habits were not healthy ones.
- Having a set number of miles I HAD to run each week and feeling so guilty if I didn’t hit that = having a set number of calories to eat each day and feeling so guilty if I didn’t stick to them.
- Not wanting to race or be around anyone else when I run = isolating myself from situations when I knew I couldn’t be in control of my food.
- Running just to run with no set purpose or goal = having the feeling of no purpose in the way I was treating my body but could not break it.
I’d like to tell you I figured this all out on my own without having to endure a life changing revelation first. But as with any monumental discovery, you usually have to hit rock bottom before you can work your way back to the top.
What was my rockbottom? A few months ago, I decided that I was going to go off the pill. I had been on it for 9 years. I knew that it might take my body some time to adjust but after talking with my doctor and not getting a period for 5 months, I finally realized that something is wrong.
I know there can still be a million factors playing into my situation and I’m still going through some tests to see if that is the case, but to be honest, in my heart, I know.
We all seem to create that image of health. For me, I thought that image was running 50 miles a week, working out 2 times a day, and pushing my body so hard every single day. But I’ve realized that I was so wrong. I’m not getting my period and that is not healthy. So for what I want at this point in my life, I am not anywhere near the healthiest I can be and I just needed to convince myself of that in order to change.
To Be Continued….
(I’ll finish this all up tomorrow with part 3 on my next step and how I plan to change)
But for now, let me just recap a few things from today.
I taught RPM this morning for another instructor and after I got home, I had only one breakfast on my mind.
- 1/3 C Steel Cut Oats
- 1/2 Banana
- 1/2 C Almond Milk
- 1 tsp Chia
- 2 T pumpkin
- 2 T cottage cheese
- A ton of cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice
A few things that made this particular bowl one of the better bowls I’ve had in awhile, the cottage cheese (I forgot how good it was stirred into pumpkin oats) and the extra spices. I think I’ve been going too light on them before because I could detect a significant difference today.
Toppings were blackberries, pumpkin butter, sunflower seed butter and granola.
Like I said, this was one of the better bowls of pumpkin oats I’ve made. It’s the little things.
With being out of the office for most of the day yesterday, I had a ton of things to catch up on.
By the time lunch rolled around, I was ready for a break.
Leftover Sushi (Spicy Salmon Roll)
- Salad: Romaine, Beets, Avocado, Apple, Dried Cherries, Pumpkin Seeds
I had an appointment after work and didn’t get home until close to 6:00. After talking to Toly, I finally got around to making dinner.
For weeks now, I’ve had a certain recipe on my mind. I’ve seen it a few times on Angela’s
blog and every single time, I kept telling myself I NEED to make this!
Tonight, it was on.
That would be pumpkin mac and cheese with roasted butternut squash, spinach and broccoli.
I used Angel’s recipe for the Pumpkin Cheeze Sauce
and took my own spin on baked macaroni using shell pasta and adding in the vegetables. I mixed this all together, topped it with some goat cheese and placed it in the oven for 15 min.
It was amazing! The sauce I could have eaten by itself but I guess adding the pasta and veggies wasn’t such a bad idea.
I also had a bowl of brussels sprouts on the side.
This dinner was amazing!
I’ll be back tomorrow to conclude this series. Again, thank you all so much for being simply amazing!!! I can’t express how much I value your understanding and support. It’s not easy admitting this to myself or telling the world for that matter so the fact that you all are there to back me up is truly appreciated. 🙂