You are all amazing.
I am still so humbled by every single one of your comments and emails and I have to say, I feel so much more at ease knowing that most of you can all understand and relate.
So now I owe you the final piece in this puzzle of confessions; my objective.
So where are we at? Well, I began with acknowledging that it was a problem and then accepting that I needed to do something in order to change. But for me, it’s not as easy as just wanting to change. Oh if only it were that easy!
Change is a funny thing. In one aspect, we know that changing unhealthy habits will only make us better but on the other side of it, changing who we are in order to achieve something is not always a good or easy thing to do. I think it all comes down to the way we see ourselves. For the longest time, I was always known as “too skinny” or “anorexic.” These words became so ingrained into my mind that I started to form my identity by the way that people saw me. Overtime, as I got better and healthier, the words stopped. At first, it was hard for me to accept it. Again it’s funny because the entire time I was sick the only thing I ever wanted was to just be normal and healthy so when people actually saw me as that, I freaked out. Not because I didn’t want it, but because I felt like I was loosing a piece of who I was.
It’s the same cycle now that it was back then. It’s not that I have a hard time of letting go of this because I like what I am doing, it is because I feel like it is a part of who I am. Honestly, I’m scared to let go because I don’t know if I will start to channel that need in other unhealthy ways. I don’t think I will because I know so much more now than I did back then, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a small fear.
As sad as this is to say, I have actually wished that I would just get injured to force me to stop. But that would be the easy way out, and we all know, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Just as hard as it was to change who I was back then, I need to learn how to change who I am now because if I don’t truly learn anything from the experience than I won’t ever truly change.
So what is my plan?
Small steps. It’s the only way I know I will be successful at it.
I’ve been cutting my weekly mileage slowly and slightly but it’s a huge progress for me. For the past two weeks, I cut 10 miles off of my weekly number and this week, I did another 5 more. To ensure that I stick with this, I’ve been setting my alarm a little later each day to make sure I am not able to run as long as I did in the mornings.
I’m working with a trainer. A good friend of mine happens to be an excellent personal trainer at my gym. He has been on me for months to get more into strength training and I finally realized that I can’t do it alone. Just like when I needed that unbiased third party from my therapist, I need the same thing when it comes to a structured workout plan that will help me achieve what I want. My goal is going to be build muscle and body fat. I’m not even worrying about weight because as we both agreed, it’s entirely pointless. There is no magic number on the scale that will get me to where I want to be.
I’ve been contemplating adding meat back into my diet. Ugh, this is a hard one for me and one I’m still not 100% sure about yet. I haven’t eaten meat for years, mainly because of my digestive issues, but now that I feel I am in a good stage of recovery with my Cohron’s, I’d like to see if I can tolerate it again. I know I am protein deficient and find difficulty getting this into my diet any more than I already am. We’ll see, this one may take some time.
What do I want to achieve?
A healthy cycle for one, but mostly I want to let go of the control I’ve created. What I am doing now is not making me any more healthier or skinnier or happier, it’s only putting distance of what I really want and the more and deeper I get into it, the farther and farther that becomes.
I want my identity to be a loving wife, daughter, sister, friend and one day…mother.