My Confession (The Objective): Part 3

by Lauren on October 19, 2011

You are all amazing.

I am still so humbled by every single one of your comments and emails and I have to say, I feel so much more at ease knowing that most of you can all understand and relate.

So now I owe you the final piece in this puzzle of confessions; my objective.

If you are just now tuning in, you can go here and here to see the first two parts in this trilogy. 

So where are we at?  Well, I began with acknowledging that it was a problem and then accepting that I needed to do something in order to change.  But for me, it’s not as easy as just wanting to change.  Oh if only it were that easy!

Change is a funny thing.  In one aspect, we know that changing unhealthy habits will only make us better but on the other side of it, changing who we are in order to achieve something is not always a good or easy thing to do.  I think it all comes down to the way we see ourselves.  For the longest time, I was always known as “too skinny” or “anorexic.”  These words became so ingrained into my mind that I started to form my identity by the way that people saw me.  Overtime, as I got better and healthier, the words stopped.  At first, it was hard for me to accept it.  Again it’s funny because the entire time I was sick the only thing I ever wanted was to just be normal and healthy so when people actually saw me as that, I freaked out.  Not because I didn’t want it, but because I felt like I was loosing a piece of who I was.

It’s the same cycle now that it was back then.  It’s not that I have a hard time of letting go of this because I like what I am doing, it is because I feel like it is a part of who I am.  Honestly, I’m scared to let go because I don’t know if I will start to channel that need in other unhealthy ways.  I don’t think I will because I know so much more now than I did back then, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a small fear.

As sad as this is to say, I have actually wished that I would just get injured to force me to stop.  But that would be the easy way out, and we all know, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.  Just as hard as it was to change who I was back then, I need to learn how to change who I am now because if I don’t truly learn anything from the experience than I won’t ever truly change.

So what is my plan?

Small steps. It’s the only way I know I will be successful at it.

I’ve been cutting my weekly mileage slowly and slightly but it’s a huge progress for me. For the past two weeks, I cut 10 miles off of my weekly number and this week, I did another 5 more. To ensure that I stick with this, I’ve been setting my alarm a little later each day to make sure I am not able to run as long as I did in the mornings.

I’m working with a trainer.  A good friend of mine happens to be an excellent personal trainer at my gym.  He has been on me for months to get more into strength training and I finally realized that I can’t do it alone.  Just like when I needed that unbiased third party from my therapist, I need the same thing when it comes to a structured workout plan that will help me achieve what I want.  My goal is going to be build muscle and body fat.  I’m not even worrying about weight because as we both agreed, it’s entirely pointless.  There is no magic number on the scale that will get me to where I want to be.

I’ve been contemplating adding meat back into my diet.  Ugh, this is a hard one for me and one I’m still not 100% sure about yet.  I haven’t eaten meat for years, mainly because of my digestive issues, but now that I feel I am in a good stage of recovery with my Cohron’s, I’d like to see if I can tolerate it again.  I know I am protein deficient and find difficulty getting this into my diet any more than I already am.  We’ll see, this one may take some time.

What do I want to achieve?

A healthy cycle for one, but mostly I want to let go of the control I’ve created.  What I am doing now is not making me any more healthier or skinnier or happier, it’s only putting distance of what I really want and the more and deeper I get into it, the farther and farther that becomes.

I want my identity to be a loving wife, daughter, sister, friend and one day…mother.


35 thoughts on “My Confession (The Objective): Part 3”

  1. Holly says:

    Thank you so much for sharing and being honest, Lauren. You have no idea how this has helped me personally. To see that bloggers have issues, hard issues, just like the rest of us, is the greatest gift you can give us readers. And, you must know, by being honest and truthful, you will have our (your readers) full support and encouragment as you go through this journey. We can catch you when you slip, and encourage you on. You can do this!

    1. Lauren says:

      Thanks Holly! I am so glad that my struggles can provide inspiration to others. That is exactly why I chose to express them. You’re awesome girl and thanks again for your sweet words.

  2. kellyo says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for quite sometime and have always enjoyed what I’ve read. I have struggled (and still struggle) with the other end of the spectrum…over eating and not exercising. It sounds like you are on a good path, baby steps and consistency. Plus, your ultimate goal, to be a mother, is a pretty strong motivator. I am sure you will be successful at getting healthy! Your readers are standing by to encourage you and cheer you on!

  3. Erica says:

    You can do it girl! You’ve already taken such HUGE steps! Keep pushing through. I will be here cheering you on!

  4. Emma says:

    This is a great post series, Lauren, but I feel if you really want to achieve your goals, especially being a mother, you need to stop running, just cut it cold turkey. And I think working out with a personal trainer is a horrible idea as you will lose even more weight and gain muscle. Lauren, please seek professional help as it mind help you find a balance. Just do it cold turkey. Honestly Lauren, running 5 miles a day everyday is not going to help you get your period and have children. You are destroying your body. I am praying for you and I hope you are able to stop destroying your body and give it the nourishment and rest it needs.

    1. Alyse says:

      I believe that Lauren knows whats best for her. Not you, not me, not anyone else.

    2. Anonymous says:

      As a long time reader who has never commented, I actually have to step in and say I disagree with this post. I don’t know if there is evidence to show that going cold turkey solves these sorts of health problems; there are probably other ways for Lauren to reach the healthy goals she is trying to achieve. Plus, wouldn’t going cold turkey just be another form of restriction?
      Best of luck on your journey, Lauren!
      A reader

  5. gah this gave me goosebumps. I seriously applaud you for doing what you aer doing. I’m so proud of you. I think that as time goes on it will get more and more “normal” for you to accept and do less running. I think the one thing that would make me look for even more answers is becoming a mom. I want babies just as much as you! 🙂

  6. Emma says:

    We are here to support you.

    1. Lauren says:

      Why do you keep commenting under a false identity? If you really mean that, you wouldn’t hide behind someone else’s name. I know you are not Emma.

      1. Emma says:

        Why are you threatening me? I really meant what I said.

  7. Another amazing post! I know you can achieve anything girl! Small steps at a time is definetly a great idea! All the best 🙂

  8. Alyse says:

    I am very proud of you for being so open. I’ve read your blog for about a year and a half and only starting commenting recently. But anyway, kudos.

    I think you will do amazing with your personal trainer. Even personal trainers have personal trainers, you know? And since I think I recall you saying a while ago that you would like to be one, I think it will help you with that later.

    I think it’s hard for us when we physically can do something and do it well to reign ourselves in. But I’m sure you will get it under control in the best way possible for you and soon.

    I wonder if you will be able to eat meat again. 😉 I love fish, but the thought of “meat” sometimes freaks me out. haha.

    Thanks for being so honest.

  9. Amanda says:

    I too appreciate your honesty, Lauren. That’s why I always keep returning to your blog- I will definitely keep reading and offer you support when needed 🙂

  10. oh lauren, i feel as if i could have written this myself. you are such a beautiful person and it breaks my heart that you go through these struggles. i think your steps to change are amazing. you are so strong and inspirational. I appreciate your honesty and hope you know I am here if you need support. <3

  11. I admire you so much. For one, just writing about this on your blog is so brave of you, and I think it’s awesome. I also know how difficult this can be to get through, and to take the initiative to take steps to get through it is even more admirable. You are an amazing woman, and I will absolutely be supporting you and encouraging you through this!!

  12. You can do it, Lauren! Once you start to channel your energy in other areas of your life you will wonder how you ever exercised so much. Trust your body. It won’t lead you astray so long as you listen to it carefully.

  13. It sounds like you have a wonderful plan! 🙂 The idea of working out with a trainer is great I think! Its always nice to use whatever resources are out there! Thanks for sharing as always!

  14. I’m a long time reader but not-often commenter- I have to say there has been a lot of times that I’ve been upset for you because I too struggle with overexercising and was afraid for you as well. But these posts, wow. You should be so proud of yourself for opening up like this. You are an inspiration and I look up to you for coming forward. Please share your journey in the future! <3

  15. you hit the nail on the head. letting go of the control is a life changing moment… but it is SO scary getting to that place and making that conscious decision. as someone who has been through every little thing you talk about (seriously… our stories are incredibly similar) and who has felt all the emotions you express, all i think i can do is tell you how much better it is on the other side. and it’s a scary, scary place to see before you actually get there, but once you do, i can promise it will all be ok.

  16. Thank you for sharing these confessions. I am glad to hear you recognized some things that weren’t right and are making changes, no matter how big or small, and are working toward bettering your life, your health, you mental outlook. Good for you!

  17. Sarah M. says:

    Just wanted to let you know (again!) that I’m here for you. I know we don’t get to see each other often, but I think of you a lot and hope that you’re doing well. It’s so hard as your friend to know the right things to say… I could see the over-obsession with exercising and eating healthy, but wasn’t sure how to approach it. I knew you were eating and that you were exercising and since both are “good” things, what is a friend supposed to say? I’m just so glad that you’ve come to realize this and I want to be able to support you in any way possible!

  18. Another great post Lauren. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m sure there are so many people who can relate & are going through the same thing. It’s sounds like you’re on the right track with your plan. Good luck!

  19. Victoria says:

    Thank you so much for being honest and open about this Lauren. I’m glad you are doing this because it lets all of us know that no one is perfect. I believe we need to be more considerate of others and the struggles they may be going through. We are so judgmental In our society these days. Perhaps if we all just stopped we could all make ourselves better. Good luck! I think scaling back and working with a trainer will be exactly what you need. I am looking forward to the “we’re pregnant” post!! (:

  20. Lauren,
    I admire your honesty and boldness. You sound like you are on your way to a more {whole} life. I could identify with so much of what you wrote – I have struggled for years with eating disorders, and it became part of who I thought I was and how I saw myself. Let me tell you though, it has been a hard and long-term struggle out of that way of thinking, but being closer to the other side of it, it is just so freeing. I decided to eat meat to help the process, and it did help me to get some iron and protein pretty quickly into my diet. Also, it helped me to learn to enjoy eating dinner with my husband no matter what it was. Hang in there, keep setting those goals – you can do it! I pray the same thing for you – to be looking from the other side of this and feeling so free.

  21. lauren says:

    It’s kinda funny and not ha-ha funny, but ironic funny…we try so hard to change and just when we start to think we’ve succeeded, we realize that we’ve channeled that “control” someplace else.
    I think a lot of us struggle with this. Part of me wonders if it is generational, and maybe it is just something we don’t really talk about enough. It seems like more and more people are starting to bring it up, and I’m glad for that.

  22. janetha says:

    Looks like you have a great plan of attack and a strong head on your shoulders, as well as a lot of supporting people behind you. XOXO

  23. Touching post, Lauren, I really appreciate your honesty both with us and with yourself. I don’t envy you the GI and ED struggles you’ve had to deal with, but it’s true that each and every single one of us has difficulties that we must handle on a regular basis.

    Thank you for being so open with your life. It’s what keeps me reading, day in and day out (well, that and your freaking awesome salad concoctions. :))

  24. Danielle says:

    Good luck with your journey Lauren. You are a strong and beautiful women and will get through this difficult time. These struggles in life are what build our character and only make us stronger for what we are about to face in the future 🙂

  25. Elizabeth says:

    Thanks for your honesty Lauren, this could not have been an easy post to write. I wish you the best on your goals for health and a baby. Just a thought though – you may want to go the doctor (if you haven’t already) to check if your ovulating.

    1. Lauren says:

      Thanks Elizabeth. Oh yes, I’ve been working closely with my doctor’s for the past few months. 🙂

  26. Thank you for being so open and honest with all your struggles and personal issues, Lauren. It’s refreshing when people don’t try to come off as though they have the perfect life and have it all together. It makes it hard for people who are reading your blog to be able to relate and makes us feel as though we have so much pressure to live up to. We all have problems. We all have issues. No one is alone and we should all warmly embrace those who come to us with their struggles. I wish you all the best in your new journey towards better mental and physical health. We’re all here to support you and cheer you on 🙂
    P.S. That tempeh looks positively delightful. I have a block sitting in my fridge right now. I think I finally know what to do with it 🙂

  27. I have much experience with being on your side of the struggle and also watching as someone very, very close to me took the control for her eating disorder into other areas of her life. It is a long, hard struggle to fully relieve yourself of those demons, but I have every faith in the world that you will.

  28. Wendi says:

    Thanks so much for sharing hun! You are such an inspiration to me, as well as so many others out there reading who have gone through, struggled with and overcome the same challenges and issues that you have. Your insite and honesty are so refreshing and it gives me hope that I too can become once again healthy and happy, free of one nasty Mr. ED. I have every faith in the world that you will finally get there and acheive every goal and dream that you have for yourself. Stay strong hun and if you ever want to talk, I am here. Lots of love! xoxo

    1. Lauren says:

      Thanks Wendi! Your kind words mean so much. 🙂

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